Monday, September 1, 2008

McCain Drops Palin, Adds Mystery Candidate With Extensive International Experience

In a stunning reversal, Republican presidential candidate John McCain dropped Alaska Governor Sarah Palin from his ticket. The decision, quietly announced in a McCain campaign news release, came in the wake of revelations that Palin's seventeen-year-old daughter is five months pregnant with a child conceived out of wedlock.

A somber McCain admitted that the decision to drop Palin from the ticket only days after announcing the startling addition of the moose-meat eating mother of five was a difficult one. "Sarah has been a beacon in the night the past few days. I will miss her charm, her charisma, and, of course, her emu stew. There are no happy endings here," McCain added, oddly smiling as his voice wistfully trailed off.

Asked about his plans to replace Palin, McCain surprisingly announced that he had already made his decision.

"You're really going to like my new running mate," he said, beaming his now famous square-jawed grin. "Though we unquestionably will miss the executive experience that Sarah brought to the ticket as a mother of five charged with balancing household bills--in addition to presiding over the 50th largest state economy in the United States--we've incredibly, remarkably really, found someone not only with Sarah's executive experience but also with the vast international experience that some, rightly or wrongly, found lacking in Sarah."

McCain added that it was difficult to fight through the liberal media bias that suggested that Palin's residency in Alaska, a state that borders on Russia, Canada, and a vast Ocean, did not significantly mark her as experienced on international matters. "The salaciousness of those attacks notwithstanding, there is no question that my new running mate, whose name I am not yet at liberty to divulge, will put to rest any and all concerns regarding international experience on this ticket."

Queried as to what that international experience might be, McCain was forthcoming. "She has considerable international experience. I think there is no question but that that is true. She's flown across both the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, she comes from a state well-known for importing Russian caviar, her ancestors came to this country from another country, she's eaten at several Italian restaurants--and a Mexican one, if I'm not mistaken. . . I could go on. But the point is that she has clear international experience."

As McCain finished dropping hints as to who his new vice-presidential candidate was, reporters hurriedly scurried off, each attempting to be the first to put the pieces of the tantalizing puzzle into place.

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