Sunday, September 7, 2008

McCain Pledges to Fill Cabinet with American Mavericks

This weekend, Republican Presidential hopeful, John McCain, took time out from his late morning and early afternoon naps to address media questions regarding how he plans to fill out his executive cabinet, should he be elected President. Unlike his pending selection of a Vice-Presidential candidate, McCain was relatively eager to discuss his criteria for selecting officers to some of the highest and most important posts in the land.

"I will be looking for people with integrity, experience, and, above all else, for people committed to putting country first--for people who want to reform this great country and return it back to the people. You all say, I guess, that I'm looking for more Sarah Palins'" McCain said, smiling at the press corps, "those are your words. I'm just looking for proud Americans who are willing to serve the greatest country in the World at the highest level."

Pressed to name his prospective nominees for Secretaries of Treasury, Defense, and State, McCain drew a deep breath. "Of course, I am not presently at liberty to discuss those nominations in detail," he said, "but I will tell you that we have vetted several possible candidates--many at length--and we do have a pretty good idea who we prefer."

Asked whether he could identify the front-runners for the three vital positions, McCain again shook his head. "As I said, I cannot specifically name potential nominees at this point. I can tell you, however, that all of them have the qualities that we look for in people who we will ask to serve this great country in such high capacities."

Within hours of the completion of his initial press briefing, McCain crawled out of his late afternoon slumber again to address the media. "I thank everyone for gathering on such short notice," McCain said, wiping sleepies out of his eyes. "I realize that this is not an easy time of the day for everyone to stay focused. We have coffee in the back for those who need it," he sympathetically offered to the gathering masses of reporters, columnists, and syndicated bloggers.

"Earlier today, we met and I informed you all that we--that I--had ideas for filling my cabinet," McCain started. "At the time, we did not think it prudent to identify those candidates. I have since been informed that now is as good of a time as any."

The startled media throng stood in silence, mouths agape, pens and recorders at the ready, prepared to record the remarkable pre-election announcement of McCain's likely cabinet members.

"It is with great pleasure that I announce to you my nominations for Treasury, Defense, and State," McCain continued. "I think you're really going to like each of these nominations," he smiled through a yawn.

"At Treasury, we will have one of the brightest people who I've ever had the privilege of spending five minutes speaking with," McCain continued. "Drayne D'Coffers has both the experience and the commitment to leadership that this country so desperately needs right now. With several years experience working in the mailroom at one of the nation's up-and-coming internet start-ups, Drayne understands well the difficulties of working within a system and responding to needs within the system. The transition to Treasury should be seamless.

At Defense, I will be nominating Gettusein Quaqmier, the nation's first Austrian woman Defense Secretary. A native of New York City, Gettusein has considerable experience in the arms race, frequently fending off large rats--and I mean large--in her one-room Bronx tenament. She knows what I'm talking about," McCain laughed. "She's quite a gal."

The final cabinet nominee that I will be divulging today is Badi Plomacy. Badi nearly earned his bachelor's degree in independent studies from High Point College before dropping out to pursue his own independent studies. That experience, alone, truly sets Badi apart from many of the other fine candidates that we considered for the post at State. Like Drayne and Gettusein, Badi is an independent thinker in times that call for independent thinking."

McCain momentarily paused and furrowed his half-missing white brows before grabbing the podium for support and peering back at his audience.

"As you know," McCain said, apparently confused about to whom he was speaking, "the liberal media is already attempting to spin these selections as bad for America. They don't like independent thinkers because those thinkers make their job more difficult," he added without elaborating as he stared at the press corps in front of him. "But let me tell you this, Drayne, Gettusein, and Badi each have more experience doing what we will ask them to do than does Barack Obama. Like Sarah, they love their country, they support the rights of all Americans, born and unborn, they all have respect for the outdoors and the animals we hunt, and they all have a healthy fear of the creator.

Now, I'm not saying that Barack is a Muslim, but when I was being held captive in a North Vietnamese P.O.W. camp, Barack was still in school, learning how to read and write. I think Drayne, Gettusein, and Badi know how to read and write, but I'll let you all determine that."

As McCain finished his announcement, dragging himself back off the stage to a waiting cot and leaving the press to scurry for additional details on his nominees, former New York Mayor, Rudy Giuliani, praised McCain's nominations as thoughtful and courageous. "These are the best picks for the positions," Giuliani gushed. "Obama wants to raise taxes, end a just war that his own party started, and tell banks to give away homes to people on welfare. From that standpoint, and from the standpoint of experience, these picks just make sense."

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Republicans Contend Palin Has Bigger Penis

In another challenge to Democratic Presidential nominee, Barack Obama, McCain supporters today began making the rounds on local and national television with a startling revelation. "We have proof," Carly Fiorina bluntly stated, "that Sarah Palin has a larger penis than Barack Obama."

Taken aback by the startling claim, Barbara Walters asked Fiorina whether she had misspoken. "The facts are the facts," Fiorina blurted.

Across town, former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, who earlier in the week had contended that Palin "would have handled the 9/11 crisis in New York just fine," reiterated Fiorina's stance. "Look, you know what we are saying. We are saying that, measured in inches, Sarah has a longer penis. That's just a fact. You can slice and dice it however you wish, but that's not going to change the fact from what it is," Giuliani said, appearing to feign indignation.

"Are you saying that Sarah Palin has a penis?" The ever-probing Katie Couric asked.

"Listen, what I am saying is--yes, what I am telling you is that, not only does she have a penis, but she has one that is much, much longer than the one that Barack claims to have."

"Claims to have?" Couric interrupted.

"Well, yes, Katie," Giuliani mockingly replied. "Have you seen Barack's penis? I mean, have you seen it? I haven't. We don't even know if he even has one. What we do know, Katie, and I mean this sincerely, is that even if Barack has a penis, it is much smaller than Sarah's--much smaller. There's just no question about it."

"Not to be impolite," a stunned Couric replied, "but have you seen Sarah's penis?"

Immediately, Giuliani shot back, the smug smile disappearing from his face. "That's a cheap shot," Giuliani admonished. "Sarah's personal life is her personal life. It's completely off limits in this campaign. If you have a real question, ask it. Otherwise we're done."

Only moments after Giuliani's appearance with Couric, news began circulating that Palin is also blacker than Obama, a point some leading Republican strategists had only heretofore hinted at.

Monday, September 1, 2008

McCain Drops Palin, Adds Mystery Candidate With Extensive International Experience

In a stunning reversal, Republican presidential candidate John McCain dropped Alaska Governor Sarah Palin from his ticket. The decision, quietly announced in a McCain campaign news release, came in the wake of revelations that Palin's seventeen-year-old daughter is five months pregnant with a child conceived out of wedlock.

A somber McCain admitted that the decision to drop Palin from the ticket only days after announcing the startling addition of the moose-meat eating mother of five was a difficult one. "Sarah has been a beacon in the night the past few days. I will miss her charm, her charisma, and, of course, her emu stew. There are no happy endings here," McCain added, oddly smiling as his voice wistfully trailed off.

Asked about his plans to replace Palin, McCain surprisingly announced that he had already made his decision.

"You're really going to like my new running mate," he said, beaming his now famous square-jawed grin. "Though we unquestionably will miss the executive experience that Sarah brought to the ticket as a mother of five charged with balancing household bills--in addition to presiding over the 50th largest state economy in the United States--we've incredibly, remarkably really, found someone not only with Sarah's executive experience but also with the vast international experience that some, rightly or wrongly, found lacking in Sarah."

McCain added that it was difficult to fight through the liberal media bias that suggested that Palin's residency in Alaska, a state that borders on Russia, Canada, and a vast Ocean, did not significantly mark her as experienced on international matters. "The salaciousness of those attacks notwithstanding, there is no question that my new running mate, whose name I am not yet at liberty to divulge, will put to rest any and all concerns regarding international experience on this ticket."

Queried as to what that international experience might be, McCain was forthcoming. "She has considerable international experience. I think there is no question but that that is true. She's flown across both the Atlantic and Pacific Oceans, she comes from a state well-known for importing Russian caviar, her ancestors came to this country from another country, she's eaten at several Italian restaurants--and a Mexican one, if I'm not mistaken. . . I could go on. But the point is that she has clear international experience."

As McCain finished dropping hints as to who his new vice-presidential candidate was, reporters hurriedly scurried off, each attempting to be the first to put the pieces of the tantalizing puzzle into place.